Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Will it ever be my turn?

Please be prepared because I am about to express my deepest, darkest feelings on the topic of having children.  

It's no secret that I want to be a mother.  Badly.  I want to be a mother so badly that when one of my friends tells me she's expecting I want to call her a bitch before congratulating her.  I want to yell and scream and ask her why she has to point out the fact that she is pregnant and I am not.  And, it's not just with my friends that I have these feelings.  I feel like this toward every pregnant woman I see in real life or on television. I feel like every time someone announces that they're becoming a parent that they're doing it just to rub it in my face.  Every pregnancy post is just another stab in my uterus saying "HA HA HA  I am expecting and you're not!"  I can't stand watching television shows or reading articles about parenting.  I want to slap women who can do nothing but talk about how awesome their kid is or who say they are jealous of the freedom that my childless self has.  I just don't want to hear about it.  I don't want to hear about your morning sickness.  I don't want to hear about how different this pregnancy is from your last one.  I don't want to hear about diapers, clothes, baby steps or words or anything else that has to do with the fact that you have children and I don't.  I don't want you to even think about uttering the words "it'll happen when you stop trying/thinking about it," or "your time will come."  You're not comforting me at all.  You're just making it worse. So just stop.  Stop. Stop. Stop.  For the love of God just let me be.

But...I do want to know why.  Why are careless children getting such an awesome gift that they don't even want?  Why is it so hard for me to get this gift that I want so badly?  Why do people who have multiple abortions (because they accidentally become pregnant and don't want to be responsible for this glorious gift they've been given so they just say "hey, let's get rid of it") get to have children when they want to?  Why is it so easy for them and so hard for me? Why do people who abuse, neglect, molest, or kill their children get to have them in the first place? Why do they get to have a full womb but mine is left empty?  Why have I been given this deep, deep desire but am left childless? Why does it have to hurt so much?  Why do I have to hurt so much? 

Do you know what hurts the most? I feel like I'm disappointing Hubby.  He deserves a woman that can give him offspring that will carry his name. What good am I to him if I can't give him a child?  Isn't having a child something that bonds a couple?  Will our marriage change without this bonding experience?  Will I ever give him the joy of finding out he's going to be a daddy?  When does he get the joy of knowing that he helped create another human being?  It's not fair to him.  He didn't ask for this.

Please stop asking me when we're going to have children because I'm going to say never.  Please don't ask me why we don't consider adoption because I'm tired of explaining why we can't adopt.  Please stop offering me your children as a joke. It's no joke and you're likely to make me very upset.

Please, please don't get me wrong.  Deep down I am truly happy for my friends and random pregnant women.  I can't even begin to imagine the happiness that they are feeling knowing that they have a precious life growing inside of them.  I'm just angry and tired of waiting for my turn.

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